The Mask
by I'maMerlwholockianPsycho
Summary: It's Merlin's birthday but no one remembers... well nothing new there, they never do. Sorry... terrible summary, I know. Warnings: includes some self-harm and cursing
1. Merlin's Birthday

**(A/N Hello peoples this is both my first Merlin story and my first complete story... I was in a bit of a bad mood so it is a little depressing. If you review Merlin will give you a box full of magical cookies (::) :D)**

**Disclaimer: It's called FANfiction people of COURSE I don't own Merlin. Besides, if I did none of the knights would've died and Merlin would have been Arthur's court warlock**

Merlin sat up with a sigh, it was his birthday, he should've been happy, but he wasn't. It wasn't going to be like Gwaine's birthday two weeks ago, he wasn't going to be ushered to the tavern and receive boatloads of gifts like the knight had. No, like always no one, not even Gaius would remember, his so-called friends would go about their days as usual not noticing the hurt expression he would wear whenever they neglected to wish him. Sighing once more, Merlin donned his mask of cheeriness and stepped out of his closet-like room.

"Morning Gaius!" He called happily, "what's for breakfast?"

"Nothing, if you don't leave now you'll be too late to give the king his food."

Groaning in frustration Merlin stalked off to the kitchens. After grabbing a tray of food the warlock rushed to his master's room, there he found an impatient Arthur sitting at the table tapping his fingers.

"Sorry I'm late!"

"Well Merlin, since you were late I think you should go muck out the stables before joining me and knights on the training fields." The king replied with a smirk.

"Yes sire," Merlin muttered, turning on his heel and marching out, mumbling about inconsiderate prats.  
Merlin was in such a mood that he didn't notice Gwen until he walked in to her.

"Whoops! Hi Merlin," she grinned, " I got to go meet with Arthur... Maybe I'll see you later."

"Right... Later." '_What happened to the sweet innocent girl who kissed me out of pure joy, who was so shy she would back track at every sentence, fearing that she would offend someone... What happened to the maid who was like a sister to him? Well... She became Queen.'_

Sighing, Merlin plodded onwards to the stables.

* * *

"Hey Gwaine," The manservant said in a falsely cheerful voice.

"Hi Merlin! I'd love to chat but I really only came around to grab my glove before training. I need to go now! Bye!" The former rouge replied before picking up the aforementioned glove and striding out of the stables.

_'What happened to the noble-hating drunk who called him his best friend? What happened to the man who rushed off to save Arthur simply 'cause Merlin asked? What happened to his FRIEND. He became a knight,' _Merlin decided.

* * *

Merlin trudged out of the stables and up to Gaius' chambers; he quickly changed and charged back down to the training grounds.

"Merlin!" An exasperated voice called, "you're late!"

"Sorry, I..."

"It doesn't matter," Arthur cut him off, " just pick up the shield."

Merlin rolled his eyes before grabbing the aforementioned shield and taking up his position in the center of the field. As each Knight of the Roundtable approached they offered him a small smile and a quick 'sorry' but that was it no,_ 'you're right Merlin, Arthur is a prat'_ or '_sorry about this, I'll go easy'_ it was another mark of how far he had grown apart from the others.

* * *

Merlin stumbled to his room, head pounding from being hit too many times. The warlock collapsed onto his bed and reached his hand under the covers. He gripped the hilt of his small knife, it had been used for this purpose since he was eight and no one had discovered this secret yet. The young man rolled up his sleeve and brought the knife to his pale wrist; because of his magic the scars never lasted long so, even if someone discovered him, they wouldn't realize how long he had been cutting himself. The first thin line of blood trickled down his hand and he sighed in relief. He drew a second line of red, then a third and a fourth, soon he became light-headed and his worries were temporarily squashed.

* * *

The next morning Merlin cleaned his sheets instantly with magic and threw on a new set of clothes, and checked his reflection in the mirror to make sure no blood showed. His worries had returned and he watched as his mask slid back in to place, sighing he stepped out the door to repeat the process once again.


	2. Finding out and yelling

**(A/N: well everyone seems to want this story to continue :) so I decided to add more chapters… Thank you to all those who followed, favorited and/or reviewed this story! Your support is appreciated :P so, without further rambling on my part, chapter 2!)**

** Oh wait… the disclaimer: I don't own Merlin, if I did, Merlin would be less naïve, use more magic and be more EPIC!**

_One year later…_

It was once again Merlin's birthday, and once again no one noticed, the young warlock was bitter, it wasn't just his birthday, it was all the other things his 'friends' did. Merlin had memorized the routine: tell Arthur about spy, be ignored. Spy is revealed, defeat spy. Get no thanks, continue serving Arthur. He was tired, tired of destiny, tired of Arthur, even tired of _life_! Merlin pulled the knife through his skin, digging deeper and deeper every time, part of him was screaming 'STOP! You'll kill yourself!' but it was a small part, the rest of his mind replied, 'Yes, yes, I know! That's what I want!' Soon, the warlock drifted into oblivion, he welcomed the darkness and the bloodied knife slipped out of his cold fingers to clatter onto the cold, hard floor.

The knights knew something was wrong with their friend, everyday he seemed a little more distant, recently he had missed the perfect opportunity to call them all girls, Merlin would never do that!

"We have to talk to him, Arthur!" Gwaine cried, "He's _changed_!"

"I know, I know, come on let's get Guinevere she's his friend too," the king replied with a sigh before striding out the door, knights on his heels.

"Guinevere, the knights and I were noticing something," Arthur started.

"Merlin is behaving strangely?" she guessed, "I was just thinking that, I assume you all are headed to speak with him as well?" Smiling at their nods of consent, the Queen continued to Gauis' chambers.

"Merlin?" Gwaine called as he filed into the physician's quarters followed closely by Arthur, Gwen, Percival, Elyan and Leon. "You here mate?" A clattering noise came form the room in which Merlin slept, causing many eye rolls.

"Idiot probably dropped something," Arthur said with a smirk before stepping up to his manservant's door and pulling on the handle, the door swung open and the sight that met his eyes made the man stumble back in shock.

"What! What is it!" his companions cried worriedly, rushing forward and gasping in horror. Merlin lay on his bed, blood flowing from his arm and pooling on the floor around a small knife. It was obvious what had happened. Gwen was the first to spring into action, she rushed to Gauis' shelves and grabbed the bandages. The petite woman barked orders to the men who had continued to stare in shock.

"Leon, Elyan, find Gauis! Gwaine, take these and apply pressure to his wounds. Percival, bring water." She shouted before rushing to find a needle and thread.

The men scrambled to do as they were bid while Arthur continued to stare blankly at his best friend. Soon Leon returned with Gauis on his heels, followed closely by Percival who carried a large pot of water. As soon as they returned Gauis rushed to his ward's side and took control of the siduation, allowing the friends time to process.

When Merlin regained consciousness, his first thought was, '_of course, destiny won't even let me control my own life.' _His second thought was, _'who the hell is crying for _me_?'_

"W'happened?" he slurred.

"Y-you tried to _kill _yourself Merlin!" a voice replied, quivering with emotion. _'Arthur' _Merlin thought.

"I know that… why didn't it work?" he asked. Everyone gasped; they had obviously thought their friend would be happy that he was saved.

"W-what?" Arthur whispered, "Merlin, _why_, why would you do this to yourself?"

"The better question is why _wouldn't _I," Merlin replied hoarsely, "I mean I honestly thought no one would've looked for me until it was too late," He snorted, "I guess the whole 'dying on my birthday' thing isn't going to happen now." His 'friends' stared at him, "And there, you see? You think you're my friends, but you didn't even realize it was my _birthday, _I'm sure I've told all of you at one point or another. I realized pretty soon after Lance died that _I have no friends_, it just made it easier to do what, I now realize I've been planning to do since I picked up that knife 14 years ago, of course you all had to barge in." He ranted before getting up, his magic preventing him from getting dizzy due to blood loss, and left before anyone had a chance to react.

The servant ran, he was almost outside before Gwaine caught up, the knight grabbed his friend's arms and pulled him to a halt. Percival arrived on his heels and picked the scrawny man up, slinging him over his shoulders, they marched back to the physician's quarters where the Queen sat, crying softly onto her husband's shoulder.

"Oh my boy," Gaius whispered, "why didn't you tell me."

Merlin glared at him, "You don't understand!" He screamed, "NO ONE DOES! My mother didn't you don't not even KILGARRAH UNDERSTANDS AND HE'S THE ONE WHO TOLD ME ABOUT MY BLOODY DESTINY," Merlin didn't even care that most people in the room didn't know about his magic, perhaps Arthur would end his miserable existence if he found out, "he goes on and ON about what I'm _supposed_ to do, but he doesn't understand HOW HARD IT IS! BOTH OF YOU PUT SO MUCH _PRESSURE _ON ME, the only people who knew the truth who _didn't _put ANY pressure on me were Will, Lancelot and Freya, the loved me for me not for what I pretend to be not for what I'm destined to be but for WHAT I AM! BUT NOW THEY ARE ALL _DEAD_! Even if they didn't understand they HELPED!"

Everyone stared at him; shocked into silence, even if they didn't understand what he was talking about it was clear that he was not the simple, defenseless manservant they thought he was. When the man paused to take a breath, Gaius tried to interrupt, to stop him from giving anything else away but before he could, Merlin started again, now he was pacing, tears streaming down his face, fists clenched.

"I was eighteen, EIGHTEEN I WASN'T EVEN AN _ADULT _ when I was told I was bloody EMRYS," He didn't hear Percival gasp in shock, but the others did and they turned to him questioningly, "The first thing that bloody lizard told me was that I was _destined _to be a protector, HE NEVER MENTIONED HOW LONELY IT WOULD BE, HE SIMPLY SAYS 'you are the most powerful man on earth, have fun protecting the prince with only my EXTEAMLY CRYPTIC ADVICE TO GUIDE YOU! I thought the druids would understand because it's their fucking prophecy, _no_! They're to busy treating me like a god to think that I AM STILL HUMAN! All they do is ask, 'when will you free us Lord Emrys?' 'Is it true that the Once and Future King still hates magic Lord Emrys?' 'Why haven't you changed his mind yet, we wish to see Albion be born.' And if that isn't bad enough I live in constant fear that I will be killed just because of the fact that I AM MAGIC."

**(I was gonna put in more... but it ended up to long, I'll have the next chapter up soon... perhaps today or tomorrow even :p Anyway PLEASE review!)**


	3. Reactions and more yelling

**Time for the last chapter! It features more of Merlin yelling :o but seriously, Merlin **_**deserves **_**to yell at everyone 'cause as he continuously said last chapter **_**they don't understand**_**! Oh, and Arthur gets to yell to… although his yelling is not completely warranted.**

**Disclaimer: I have now purchased Merlin and am bringing it back Mwahaha! ... fine, fine I don't **_**actually **_**own it, that **_**is **_**why I'm writing FANfiction and **_**not **_**the plotline.**

**On with the story, FOR THE LOVE OF CAMELOT!**

Everyone but Gaius and Percival stumbled back in shock, Leon, Elyan and Arthur's hands automatically going to the hilts of their swords.

"What?" Arthur rasped, a cold feeling of betrayal seeped into his heart, "you-"

"-have magic?" Gwaine finished, feeling only slightly less betrayed than the King.

"What-what possessed you to learn something so horrible?" Arthur inquired, aghast, "don't you know what magic does? It CORRUPTS YOUR VERY SOUL Merlin!" he was yelling now, angry that his serv- no his _best friend _would follow the same path as Morgana, his eyes widened, "Is _that _why you learned? So you could fight Morgana, if so than it hasn't been long! We can save you from Magic!"

"That's not what happened!" Merlin said incredulously, Arthur clearly didn't understand a _word _of his speech, well rant he had to tell himself. Looking at Gwen, Elyan and Leon, it was clear that they hadn't either, they seemed to be agreeing with Arthur. Gwaine looked like he understood more, but he still seemed fine with 'curing' Merlin.

"THEN WHAT THE HELL POSSESED YOU TO LEARN THE DARK ARTS! HAVE YOU SIDED WITH MORGANA! Why does EVERYONE betray me?" Arthur roared, "I TRUSTED YOU!"

"YOU THINK I CHOOSE THIS?" Merlin cried angrily, "TO LIVE IN FEAR FOR MY LIFE? To never EVER be able to tell the full truth, because if someone knew they could end up on the pyre SIMPLY FOR BEING MY FRIEND! I never wanted this, I do not simply HAVE magic, I AM MAGIC! I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO USE IT SINCE THE DAY I WAS BORN! Your bloody laws don't give a damn about those who don't choose do they? I may be the only one who could _use _magic since my birth but others, many druids, and even MORGANA never had a choice! Most people try to _destroy _you for your LAWS, not for any other reason. Oh and if you think that all magic is evil _look at me, _You think your little metal sticks do anything? If you do than you are even more idiotic than I thought you were! I have to defeat every sorcerer, every magical creature, even some _non_-magical threats WITHOUT ANYONE NOTICING! DO YOU HAVE _ANY _IDEA HOW MANY MORE PEOPLE I COULD'VE SAVED IF NOT FOR YOUR LAWS?"

Arthur stared at him, there was no way he would believe that his idiotic, clumsy manservant had saved him or Camelot, nor was there any way he would believe that a _magic user _would even _want _to save Camelot. He snorted, " I never needed any saving from I from _you _sorcerer. Name one thing you have done for me" He regretted the words as soon as they were out of his mouth, everyone other than Merlin looked at him incredulously, hadn't their King heard anything that the Warlock said?

Merlin, who had been trying to calm down, instantly tensed up again, his fists clenched and every window in the room shattered, "What have I done for you? WHAT HAVE I DONE FOR YOU! Everyday of my life since I came here has been about protecting you, ITS MY BLOODY DESTINY! I SPEND EVERY SECOND WORRYING ABOUT WHO'S GOING TO TRY TO OFF YOU NEXT! I killed Nimueh defeated Sigan, mortally wounded Morgause. I killed Agravaine defeated every other sorcerer and magical creature trying to harm you, INCLUDING THE BLOODY GREAT DRAGON! I watched my best friend _die _for you, I WATCHED YOU KILL THE WOMAN I LOVED, YOU TOLD ME NOT TO CRY WHEN MY FATHER DIED! I've lied for you, I've deceived, fought, tricked, and KILLED for you, I've convinced people _not _to attack, and I've saved your father, a man that, while I may have pitied, I HATED just because he was YOUR FATHER! I have sacrificed love and happiness for you Arthur Pendragon, so don't you _dare _say that I have never done anything for you!"

Everyone in the room stared at him, mouths hanging open, even Gaius, but before they could say something, Merlin stumbled, "I guess Magical adrenaline can only get you so far," he muttered before collapsing, Gwaine surged forward and caught him before he could hit the ground and lifted him onto the cot.

"Merlin!" Gwen cried worriedly.

"It's alright My Lady," Gaius told her soothingly, "Merlin's magic has been keeping him going longer than any normal person given the amount of blood he lost, he will be fine soon."

Everyone's eyes darkened at the mention of the blood, of what got them into this mess in the first place. None of them had known that their friend had all this in him.

"Percival," Arthur said quietly, breaking the silence, "When Merlin said he was 'Emrys', you recognized the name, what does it mean?"

The large knight sighed, "I grew up near a druid settlement, we always got on well with them and the elders would tell all the children, whether or not we had magic their prophecies. The most common stories were about their main prophecy, they said that in a time of great need, when the very existence of magic hung in the balance, the Triple Goddess herself would bless a babe, he would be magic personified, it would run through his veins alongside his blood, he would be the most powerful magic user who ever had or ever would walk the earth, his name: Emrys. But he would not be alone in his goal, he would simply act as the guide and protector of a great man, The Once and Future King, who would unite all the Kingdoms of Albion under one banner, restore magic to the land and reign as High King, the greatest King to ever live," Percival grinned sheepishly, "I remember wanting to be like Emrys when I grew up… strange to think that I wanted to be someone who is younger than me."

The King, the Queen and their knights were shocked into silence once more, not only was their friend _extremely _powerful and _extremely _important, but Percival, _Percival, _had spoken more than 5 words! Of course it was mostly due to Merlin's power…

"I never heard the full thing," Gaius whispered, "only the bits Merlin told me," the physician shook his head in wonder.

A voice pulled the group out of their stupor, "Oh… I'm still alive, how long have I been out?"

"Merlin!" Everyone cried in unison.

"You're calmer now," Gwaine observed, receiving glares from everyone in the room.

"Well having your immortal, half-dead girlfriend yell at you is strangely calming."

"How can she be immortal and half-dead at the same time?" Eylan asked, cautiously.

"When she was dying I accidentally tied her spirit to the Lake of Avalon, she became The Lady of the Lake, guardian and guide of the spirit world. She wasn't happy with me for almost dying and then yelling at the people who saved me." Merlin replied smiling slightly, "now what did I miss, since I am not dead or in a cell I assume I missed something."

"Well Percival told us a prophecy that he had heard from the druids, are you really the most powerful person who will ever live?" Leon asked in a slightly awed voice.

Merlin groaned, "You didn't tell them the _entire _thing did you? With the part about the Triple Goddess and everything about what Arthur's supposed to do!"

"_Me! _Wait, _I'm _this 'Once and Future King'!" Arthur asked incredulously.

"Of course you are, you Clotpole! Why do you think I've stayed somewhere where my very life force is hated? It's because I believe in you, well, whenever you did something to make me _stop _believing in you I just resorted to believing in destiny and well," he hesitated, "hurting myself too," he muttered.

"About that, you said you started _fourteen years _ago, how old were you, ten, eleven?" Gwen asked, horrified.

"Nine," Merlin whispered, but they all heard him, "But that's what happens when you only have one friend and everyone and everyone else calls you a bastard. Not only that I was always heard people talk about how magic was the most evil thing on earth and everyone who used it was no more than a monster, a beast that should be hunted and killed… I guess I just started to believe them so I made myself a knife." He gestured to the weapon that had rolled into the corner.

Arthur stared at it for a second before grabbing it and throwing it into the fire roaring in the hearth, "Please Merlin, never do that to yourself again, I-I… you're my best friend, hell, you're my _brother_, and I know I haven't been a very good friend but, I think I speak for all of us when I say that I want to change that. You know how I'll start? I'm going to change those magic laws!"

"You… you're _serious_!" Merlin asked slack jawed.

"Well of course! We can't begin to thank you for what you have done for us, nor can we apologize enough times for what you have been through, but granting you freedom is a start!" Gwen beamed. And the rest of the friends nodded in agreement.

"Well come on _Mer_lin, I can't very well write the magic laws without my new Court Sorcerer can I?" Arthur said, helping his friend up.

"First of all I'm a _Warlock_, not a sorcerer. Secondly, we should include Gaius and Geoffrey as well, oh, I should call Iseldir and Alator as well, they are quite important in the magical world."

"_Fine, _fine, call your friends, just make sure they aren't caught."

"I'm pretty sure that is obvious _Arthur_!"

"Well sorry for being cautious _Mer_lin," Arthur retorted as they left the room. Their friends laughed and shook their heads, it seemed that nothing would ever stop their friends' banter.

"And to think they are the two most important figures in the magical world," Gaius said bemusedly.

"The stuff of legends," Gwaine grinned, "literally!"

_5 months later…_

"Come on _Mer_lin," the King called in exasperation do you want to be made Court Sor-er- Warlock or not!"

"Coming, coming!" Merlin replied stepping up to meet his King.

Arthur turned to address the crowd, "Yesterday was the start of a new era, an era of peace and magic, and today I raise the man who made it possible to his rightful place as my First Advisor and Court Warlock," he turned to face Merlin, "Merlin, do you swear to serve me, and my Kingdom to the best of your ability."

"I solemnly swear so to do," Merlin recited the standard phrase.

"Then arise Lord Merlin Emrys, First Advisor and Court Warlock of Camelot!" Arthur smiled as his brother stood and came to stand beside him. Gwen stepped forward to stand beside her husband and the Knights of the Roundtable arranged themselves in an arc reaching to either side of the three.

Arthur, Guinevere, Merlin, Gwaine, Leon, Elyan and Percival.

The Once and Future King and Queen, Emrys and the ever-faithful knights, Strength, Loyalty, Equality and Trust.

Gwaine was right, it was the stuff of legends.

**So… that's it the 'names' I gave the knights are based on the whole perilous lands thing with Courage, Strength and Magic. I always thought that Leon was the most loyal knight of Camelot and the other two well… only two things I could think of. So once again if you have any ideas for my other story please please PLEASE put them in your review of that story. Oh and thank you to all of you wonderful people who reviewed, followed or favorited this story!**


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